A Secret Society

Before the recap, the important thing: several members still owed money. No Shame Bell just yet — but the venmos needed to start flowing so the winners could tell their wives how they'd invested in their future.

For those who made it down early, Tuesday delivered madness at Bandon Dunes in 55–60 mph wind gusts. Ian and Tony Davis hit a 50-yard 7-iron to a par 3. Steve Collins and Stephen used 3-wood and 4-iron from 160 yards just to reach the green. Then — following what Stephen called a "top 5 shower of my life" — the caddies took the group out for glow-in-the-dark scramble in what they described as "the worst weather we've ever done glow in the dark scramble." They did it anyway.

Man of the Match — Erik Knutsen: Planned and scheduled the entire early Bandon round. Honorable mention: Ian hitting a 370-yard drive that would have rolled onto the green but for giant puddles.

Dick of the Day — TK: Brought only cotton to a severe weather warning. At the glow scramble, Stephen topped his 3-wood 30 yards, joked TK couldn't beat it. TK took his 3-wood and hit it 20 yards. Tony Davis's verdict: "TK at glow-in-the-dark golf would play worse than Cole in the daylight."

Up until 2am it was still a storm. No one would have foreseen the best golf day imaginable in January at Bandon.

Man of the Match — Grindy: Honorable mention to Mox — on 18, he hit so far under the ball he took the grass with him, then admitted it counted rather than calling "practice swing," costing his team a push. Boy scout energy. But Grindy had something to prove at the punchbowl glow scramble. His long putts and two hole-in-ones won the XXGC vs. Caddie tournament. A true moment of brilliance for the whole crew.

Dick of the Day — Trevor: Found a phone at Sheep Ranch, documented himself on it, gave it to a Marshall. Vancil retrieved his phone from the Marshall. When Vancil's mom later asked for pictures from the trip, she scrolled through Sheep Ranch's beauty — until she got to something far more beautiful. The Trevor D.

A beautiful day at a course that beat everyone except Tony Davis and Tony Krikorian. Krikorian, a 15-handicap, threw down an 83 at Pacific Dunes.

Man of the Match — Emilio Solano: On 17 — the hole that destroyed most of us — Emilio hit a net hole-in-one. The only question: when is he buying the round?

Dick of the Day — The Bunkers: They ate people alive. Cole, Branch (basically an honorary Seaside resident), and Torgy's infamous 12-shot escape provided the lasting images.

To explain the impossibly good weather on the final two days — 60-degree days with limited wind at Bandon in January — Stephen published a letter he had received:

We missed Carson, Cory, and Rob. The question of where Xiao Xiao Second would go was left open. The devil had done his part. The rest was up to us.

"First things first, I will address the elephant in the room: Rob sandbagged the shit out of us. And we shall never forget such a moment."

Rob Clarke entered with a 30 handicap that had the credibility of a campaign promise. He still would have won by 4 strokes at 20-23. That is how well he played. Some say the golf gods blessed him for missing the first trip with COVID. The Sigma Chi chapter called it the largest financial loss since He Who Shall Not Be Named. The reality: Rob was simply that good, and XXGC has never let him forget it.

Emilio & Ian: Emilio tried to have a peaceful weekend without anyone knowing it was his birthday. Ian played from the tips and destroyed everyone — so Stephen announced next year Ian and Rob would be paired as a team from the tips, so Rob's handicap would have nowhere to hide.

James Lutes: Came in on a high, got eaten alive by the Ryder Cup, suggested he shouldn't show up to Sheep Ranch (he had already paid). He did show up. The pics were good.

Joel & Trevor at Sheep: Joel won his gross flight then left without paying his caddie. Trevor lost his phone at Sheep Ranch — under once again suspicious circumstances involving prior occupants' content.

Cole Douglas: Best Hawaiian shirt (featuring Torgy's head), biggest improvement (~20 strokes), best jokes. Got knocked down at Pac Dunes repeatedly and came back every time.

Alex & Marc: Beat TK and Ian through sheer net best ball brilliance. Alex with brand-new Stealth clubs, Marc with left-handed hand-me-downs. Good teams beat good individuals.

Loren Ovieda: Possibly the most interesting conversationalist in the world. The servers called Emilio "the Godfather." Loren deserved the same title for the jacket alone.

18th hole, pitch black, money on the line — Stephen put it within 15 feet from 100 yards. Kevin's team answered with an incredible pitch-black bunker shot, but Paul and Stephen two-putted for the win. Team Sigma Chi takes the side action in darkness.

Pacific Grill sealed it as a tradition. Sigma Chi cottage: Stephen, TK, Rob, Steve. GDI cottage: Pete, Ian, Aaron, Loren. The seeds of something real — ridiculous and lasting — were planted here.

"Now you may be asking yourself, why the F am I getting these emails about a bunch of FELLAS getting together for an epic trip in Arizona. The answer is simple: I am a narcissist and want to share the trip details with everyone who has ever expressed an interest."

Shouts of collusion on draft night. TK chose players who could excel in individual match play. Rob chose sandbaggers built for 2v2. After Saturday's 10-4 to the Straight Shooters, Divots & Deception needed a full sweep at Troon.

What they got instead was Emilio Solano — bucket hat, stache, and Narco by Timmy Trumpet in his head — closing out Rob and Stalker on 18. He said all he could hear was the music as he walked up. With his undefeated Ryder Cup streak on the line, he closed it out in honor of Noonan, who suffered a net defeat from the Greatest Sandbagger of All Time the year before.

Frozen Transfusions. Cholla was the fan favorite. Stalker and Ross challenged strangers to bar hockey with poker chips. Stalker lit everyone up with wheelhouse slaps — enough pain that some considered asking Ian for his hand cast. The Great One still has it.

Everyone feared rain. The weather was fine — Stephen booked it, and I simply say: I will bear this cross so everyone else benefits from the sun. Mox couldn't break 90 for three rounds, then shot a 95 (net 72) at Troon. Power thighs, power draws, power pops.

Dick of the Day — Grindy: Announced "those windows are SO in play" on the tee box. His miss was a leaky fade. He stepped up and hit a laser straight through a $3M house's windows. Kyle Torseth confirmed people were standing outside after he sent the photo. Given 100 more tee shots, he could not replicate it intentionally.

Sandbagger — Kyle "Bro"-Seth: Shot a 99 at Troon for a net 73. When awarded the shirt he said "this is too small." That is the point. Also declared at the Ember steak dinner that "this isn't a place we can be loud at." Like — what are they going to do, kick us out?

Basic Bitches — The Knutsen Brothers: Would have bet my life savings they'd not be pro fancy appetizers at a steak dinner. They ordered shrimp, meatballs, pork belly, and charcuterie as a palate cleanser pre-steak — about as confusing as Pete Bergstrom's incomplete score cards.

Most Important Putt Missed — Rob: Individual match play against TK came down to 18, a 1.5-foot putt. Rob yanked it left. The Ball Don't Lie.

Playing With House Money — JB: At least $500 from the Casino. Turns out turning 40 makes you wise in gambling but not in knowing that collars don't always need to be popped.

Rookie of the Year — Joe Penkala: Showed up, had a blast, wants the group to come to Milwaukee. And most importantly — he hates the Packers.

Coffee-less — Marty: Drove from San Diego, ordered all the wine at Ember, provided endless laughs. Did not close on the Troon drink cart girl from Bainbridge Island. Coffee is for closers.

Lifetime Bids — Van Oppen, Kelly, Wheatley, Vancil: Saw a sign for $3 beers and committed to drinking the casino dry. The waiter said "we used to have Suns Bru but y'all drank us out of that." Lifetime bids.

"Over 18 months ago, I had a dream that one day on the green hills of Bandon, a group of friends will tee off, not judged by their handicap but by their passion for the game. I had a dream that on the fairways of brotherhood, golfers of all skill levels joined hands and said, 'We may have started as strangers, but we finished as friends.'" — Stephen Scott, Feb 2024

The largest XXGC event in history. 40 players. 8 LIV teams. 18 months in the making. The event that proved this thing was more than a golf trip — it was an institution.

Draft night started with a slow simmer as people rolled in. The bartender hadn't been told it was all-you-can-drink — that was hammered out at the outset. Unluckily for Bandon, Pliny The Elder should not have been on that list. They figured it out the second night.

Muchas Nutria (Ian Osborne) · Pen 15 Cats (Pete Bergstrom) · The Sand Plan (Robert Clarke) · Bandon Rugh Riders (Tony Davis) · Flop Boys (Stephen Scott) · Pin Seekers & Stein Drinkers (Tony Krikorian) · Reckless Drivers (Kyle Risko) · Scramblers (Devin Grindy) · West Canaan Coyotes (Steve Collins) · Whale Cocks (Cole Douglas)

Teams competed across Bandon Trails (net) and Sheep Ranch (gross), best 3 scores counting. Muchas Nutria — captained by Ian Osborne, who shot a 76 gross at Sheep — claimed the LIV championship. The most detailed financial audit in golf trip history ended with Stephen $13 out of pocket. Remarkable.

First, a moment: over $2,000 was raised for Connor's family before a single tee shot was hit. That is who this group is. That is XXGC.

Four teams. Two days of LIV combat. The Putt Pirates led after Day 2 — then Rob and Branch left early on Sunday, leaving Craig Sather holding the bag at +26. Cole going low and Mox carrying weren't enough. SBHC finished 2nd. The Flop Boys — losing their own players too — came in at +22. Champions. Second title. A star goes above the logo.

Emilio predicted it the day before. Branch flipped a golf cart into a bunker. Emilio confirmed the prophecy. Ian, knowing torts law and assumption of risk, kept playing without a word.

Rob: Won again. Like Trump steamrolling a primary, Rob keeps winning despite logic, math, or justice. His net score was lower than his blood pressure.

Branch: Sandbagger of the Year. Went from +26 last year to -1 this year with a sumo driver and what we can only assume was a prayer circle. Also flipped a cart into a bunker — predicted by Emilio the day before.

Craig Sather: Birdied the par-3 challenge course and yelled so loud the lodge thought someone had hit an ace. We watched a man get addicted to golf in real time.

Luke: Looked like a tall Macklemore. Challenged Mox in the looks department, which is no small feat. Sorry Cody — there is a new young boy in town.

Stalker: Tracked his $50 drink tokens like a hawk, only to find out Silvies was basically open bar. Nothing brings him more joy than a spreadsheet, except discovering he was overspending effort while underspending money.

Emilio: Started with a breakfast ball on a right dogleg, sliced it with Coors Light and regret teeing him up. Somehow made par. His best drive: on McVay's par-3, with a Coors can as a tee and a smirk like a mafia don on vacation.

Tom Cuppernull: Just three years ago, a neighbor Stephen didn't know. Now the best line of the trip, a borderline illegal rib still swinging for the Flop Boys. Wants to sign the board but not do the shirtless wrestling thing. Get the trash cans ready.

Stephen: Flawless draft. Smart golf. Shot -2 net on the weekend. Went waste bunker to waste bunker for 6 strokes per round — but the draft was immaculate.

The Flop Boys rebrand is official: "Volkswagen is a perfect example of a rebrand — while our mindset may differ, the logo and name remain the same." Like UEFA champions, they get a star above the crest.